Just Let It Go

I have been relaxing mentally. I mean, serious woo-saah stuff. Normally, I think a lot about the past, stuff that hurt, stuff that I was upset about...normally I go over and over these things in my mind and become mentally upset. But I've found this new philosophy and it has been making my life a helluva lot easier. I have to give a nod and a shout out to Pinterest for introducing me to it and it is this: "Just chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and move on."
The thought process is totally different ever since I developed that fuck-it bucket. And let me say, a LOT of stuff has made its way into the bucket. There's just stuff I figured out I don't have to care about, so why should I?? I can allow my mind to work on much more meaningful stuff. I mean, like this entry for example. And don't get me wrong, my life is far from perfect still, because things keep popping up in my mind trying to get some quality thought time, and then I realize that these are things from my past and there is nothing I can do about them now. Guess where they go after that....INTO THE BUCKET!! It's become almost a catchphrase, like "Off with his head!!" or "Release the hounds!!"
I freakin love it!!
Now, I must put this one thing into the bucket after I publicly atone for a mistake that caused someone I love to have hurt feelings. You have to understand the relationship I used to have with this person, the relationship I thought we would have, and the relationship he said we could never have...
I understand that my actions were probably hurtful in their context, but at the same time, he and I were not (and according to him) could never be together. Okay, then, if thats the case, my actions should not have bothered him so much. If he truly believed what he'd said, none of that would have hurt. It may have surprised him, caught him off guard, but...other than that, he really has/had no grounds to be hurt. UNLESS he had changed his mind, in which case he should have said something to me and maybe (just MAYBE...and then again, maybe not) things could have been different. But he didn't, and they're not, so...all I have to say about it, and then I'm moving on, is this: to he who may never read this....I am sincerely sorry. And: INTO THE BUCKET!!
Aahh...that's freeing.
One more thing. Allow me to literally illustrate the thought process of the fuck-it bucket. Maybe you can use it in your own life to make things a little easier.





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Like A Child...

Last night I experienced something I've not had in a long time: I had nightmares.  I actually laid awake crying, I was so scared. I remember hearing voices. Horrible, evil, demonic voices. I couldn't understand their words, but the effect they had on me still....I damn-near wet myself.
I haven't experienced something so scary in awhile. And that's including our trip to Creepy World where I saw both a zombie clown and anima-tronic mannequins (two things that are scary enough on their own in my mind, but worse when enhanced by the frightful mood of Halloween).
I lay clutching my Skelanimals panda bear, Andy, peering into the darkness of the room, hoping the fear would leave me. It didn't.  My heart pounded fiercely and my breathing was shallow. I couldn't calm down, no matter what I tried.
When I fell asleep, I drifted into a nightmare of vivid horrors, although I cannot remember them now. When I lay awake, I feared going back to sleep but knew I must, or go to work unrested.
Tonight, I'll try again to sleep restfully. I hope Andy can keep the night frights at bay.
Goodnight.

Hop...to sleep.

Just Popping In With A Quick Word

Wow!! I feel good!! *in my James Brown voice*. I got up this morning and did my sun salute (namaste, to all the yoga people out there), got ready for work and went on out the door. I did some more stretching at work when I could. (Well, I'm still at work, but this was all earlier that I did this stuff.) I feel my muscles all sore with that post-workout stiffness...I LOVE that feeling. Just makes me want to work 'em even harder. I can feel myself getting more and more flexible. Soon I'll literally be able to bend over backwards. Make no mistake, whether I can do that or not, I'm still not one ass-kissing business. Lol. Anyway... It's all rainy and cold outside, but in my world, it's sunny and warm. My mind is calm and I have very little stress. Can't say when was the last time I was able to say that.
So that's what going on right now.

Oh, and one more thing...
"Remember, remember, the fifth of November..." - V For Vendetta

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- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

And I'll Tell You Something Else....

      Okay, here it is, November 4th. That's 60(ish) days until 2013. But they say the world is supposed to end on December 21 of this year.... Hmm.  I think that it might be that the world AS WE KNOW IT will end. Whether it starts that day or earlier (like election day?? Or the day Sandy hit the east coast??) is another story. But I do know this: life as we know it is about to be disrupted.
     The way I figure it, a lot is about to happen in a short amount of time and no one is really prepared for it. Okay, let's start with the hurricane.  First of all, as far as that is concerned...I have to be controversial. I'm not saying that ANYONE deserved all that death and destruction. I AM going to say that the rich white people now know what the poor black people had to deal with when Katrina hit. Heh, FEMA didn't get there fast enough, huh?? The president didn't do enough for you?? The public acts like they don't care?? Yeah, same thing. Just different people.  I mean, think about it, it sucks when it happens to someone else, but it REALLY sucks when it happens to you.
     So here's the problem that I think is about to happen: plagues. New York has a really bad rat problem. But rats don't have a problem swimming (why do you think they live in the sewers??). With all the water that the hurricane pushed inland, rats will be swimming inland. And they can't swim forever, so they'll be looking for higher, drier ground. And with the rats, will come the fleas. And with the fleas, disease. Yuck.
     So, that's what I'm predicting. Only time will tell.


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Working a 9 to....Infinity

     A hamster on a running wheel. Yep, that about sums up some people's life. Mine is more like....a spiral or a wheel of fortune with no good fortunes on there. Just the same stuff keeps going around and around, and happening again and again....
But let me start with the hamster. Why is it some people allow that to be their way of life?? They are busting their hump everyday at a going-nowhere job...for what?? To continue to struggle?? To never advance?? I mean, they have no ambition of being promoted, yet they complain that they aren't making enough, or that their job isn't challenging. Or that their bored at work. I understand that just switching to a better paying job is easier said than done but, geez!! If you do nothing different, nothing will ever be different.
    Which brings me to my own life. For me, I am mostly speaking about the relationship department.  I have a job, my own car...not my own place at the moment, but, hey you gotta do what you gotta do in this economy. Anyway, I'm not ugly, and I'm not a bitch. And yet I'm single. Why?? If people out there like Honey Boo Boo's mom can have a boyfriend (okay, to be fair, he's probably only with her for the money and the fame, but...)....you know what I'm getting at. I joked with a friend that I was going to become a lesbian because it has become painfully apparent that men ain't worth shit.  Then, why do I want one?? Because that's the way I envision my life. My kids (who already exist) will live in a house with 2 parents (although, obviously only ONE will be biological) who have a good strong relationship and NOT be dysfunctional.  That is what I want for myself. I just want to be happy. What's wrong with that??
     And it would be one thing if that was the only thing that seems to be cycling.  But it's not. I also keep having the same issues in my life. Like, these repeating bouts of depression. I'm trying to figure out what is causing me to spiral down into them. I felt the last bout coming on, but it made no difference. I'm depressed now. I couldn't make it go away. I think this is the longest one I've had. It has lasted about 2 years. The medicine helps but that's not a cure. I have researched depression, and the main cause is the person themselves. So what does that tell you?? *mirthless grin* I am my own freakin problem. And the problem with depressed people that keeps them depressed is that they keep thinking about things that have happened to them. The past. They live in the past. Well, you can't live in the future but you can live in the now. That's what I've been working on, and that's where I become that damn hamster. Trying so hard, but never really getting anywhere. I mostly live in the past because I'm trying not to let it become my future. If I can figure out what I did wrong, I can change it.  "Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it." I sure as hell don't want to be doomed.


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