Sometimes I think about things that I did wrong and I start to feel really bad about it. It's usually LONG after the fact, but the remorse is fresh. Today I had such a moment.
I had some time to allow my mind to wander. And as I got lost hopping down the bunny trail, I came across some things that I had previously only explored superficially. That is, there were some thoughts and feelings that I only thought and felt for a very short amount of time and then shut the door on that part of my thinking. Well, I went ahead and opened the door, and entered the Wonderland that was this left-behind cache of mental and emotional refuse.
What I discovered in there was some unresolved feelings about a situation I was recently a part of. To make a long story short, there was a guy I was kind of seeing and it didn't exactly work out, nor did it exactly end well. I will take partial responsibility for the way things ended, but I am not entirely at fault. In his (slightly heated) farewell, he informed me that I could have told him that I was no longer interested in continuing to have any encounters with him. (No, he didn't use THOSE words, I'm just...making it pretty.) He said that he had told me that he was approachable and that I could talk to him about anything.
What he said may have actually been true, but I have reason to doubt it. Because of the way things were going, he would have been crushed if I had somehow worked up the courage to broach the subject. But that's where my emotions (specifically anger) flared up. In my head, I began to have the conversation we could have had. I began to ask the questions that were burning in my head, longing to be asked.
Me: So, I could have come to you and told you?? Really?? And when would have been a good time to do that?? When you were telling me how crazy you were about me?? When you were telling me how drop-dead gorgeous I am?? When you were telling me how much you missed me and couldn't wait to see me?? I mean, really, there was never a good time to bring up the fact that things were not exactly working out for me. Any time I would have tried to bring it up would have made me look like a total ass hat.
Okay, I know that only hearing that part of the story makes me seem like an ass hat in the first place. But in my defense, I did try to talk to him about it...once. I guess I didn't make myself clear at that time. I'm not very good at talking about feelings. I also don't really like confrontation. I know what you're thinking: "Hey, this guy sounded like a good guy. Seemed like he really liked you. I mean, he complimented you and all. What the hell is wrong with you??"
There's nothing wrong with me. It's just that I was under the impression that we were just going to SEE where things lead. Well, for me, things didn't go anywhere. Things just got kinda awkward for me. It was clear that he was really liking me, but I didn't feel the same and I didn't know how to tell him. And there never seemed to be a good time to bring it up. SO, I did what I thought was easier. It may not have been the best thing to do, but I thought he would pick up on the clues and see what was happening. He didn't...and that makes me feel even worse.
What I did...or rather what I didn't do was: I didn't call as much. I didn't text as much. I didn't spend as much time with him.
I know, I know...that in itself makes me an ass hat. Okay, whatever. I couldn't see any other way...
I don't think there would have been any better outcome anyway. No matter what path I chose, it would have ended on a sour note I think. I'll never know.
In any case, I find myself once again in the position to apologize. I kinda wish there was a way that I could tell him personally, but this will have to do since he wants nothing to do with me. So, in reference to a different individual, I say these words: To he who may never read this, I am sorry.
I'm going to forgive myself for being an ass hat, "acting like a child" (his words), and doing things the way I did. I'm not going to make excuses...well, I guess I already did...
In any case, I apologize. And now I'm going to close the door and lock it.
- Hop Along
Listening to "Apologize" by One Republic
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