A hamster on a running wheel. Yep, that about sums up some people's life. Mine is more like....a spiral or a wheel of fortune with no good fortunes on there. Just the same stuff keeps going around and around, and happening again and again....
But let me start with the hamster. Why is it some people allow that to be their way of life?? They are busting their hump everyday at a going-nowhere job...for what?? To continue to struggle?? To never advance?? I mean, they have no ambition of being promoted, yet they complain that they aren't making enough, or that their job isn't challenging. Or that their bored at work. I understand that just switching to a better paying job is easier said than done but, geez!! If you do nothing different, nothing will ever be different.
Which brings me to my own life. For me, I am mostly speaking about the relationship department. I have a job, my own car...not my own place at the moment, but, hey you gotta do what you gotta do in this economy. Anyway, I'm not ugly, and I'm not a bitch. And yet I'm single. Why?? If people out there like Honey Boo Boo's mom can have a boyfriend (okay, to be fair, he's probably only with her for the money and the fame, but...)....you know what I'm getting at. I joked with a friend that I was going to become a lesbian because it has become painfully apparent that men ain't worth shit. Then, why do I want one?? Because that's the way I envision my life. My kids (who already exist) will live in a house with 2 parents (although, obviously only ONE will be biological) who have a good strong relationship and NOT be dysfunctional. That is what I want for myself. I just want to be happy. What's wrong with that??
And it would be one thing if that was the only thing that seems to be cycling. But it's not. I also keep having the same issues in my life. Like, these repeating bouts of depression. I'm trying to figure out what is causing me to spiral down into them. I felt the last bout coming on, but it made no difference. I'm depressed now. I couldn't make it go away. I think this is the longest one I've had. It has lasted about 2 years. The medicine helps but that's not a cure. I have researched depression, and the main cause is the person themselves. So what does that tell you?? *mirthless grin* I am my own freakin problem. And the problem with depressed people that keeps them depressed is that they keep thinking about things that have happened to them. The past. They live in the past. Well, you can't live in the future but you can live in the now. That's what I've been working on, and that's where I become that damn hamster. Trying so hard, but never really getting anywhere. I mostly live in the past because I'm trying not to let it become my future. If I can figure out what I did wrong, I can change it. "Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it." I sure as hell don't want to be doomed.
Hop Along
No comments:
Post a Comment